


We all need healing

by mister_jacobi



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, I just want my children to be okay, I swear this will get light hearted and sweet in time, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It doesn't matter to the story but it matters to me, Spoilers, They deserve to be happy again, Trans Daniel Jacobi, spoiler for the finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15606207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mister_jacobi/pseuds/mister_jacobi
Summary: Hera had watched him silently, hoping he'd calm down without her interfering. She wanted to give him space to grief and deal with his emotions. She guessed she could imagine how he felt, grieving for someone who had used him and betrayed him so ruthlessly. Especially after he had thought he could trust Kepler blindly.After their escape, the whole crew is in dire need of someone to lean on. None of them are good with emotions, though and dealing with them is hard enough without their history. Healing is a process that none of them know how to approach without admitting weakness.Asking for help is hard if you don't even know how to feel.





	1. momentary weakness

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place during and after the finale of Wolf 359. It's Jacobi centric but will focus on the crew's healing after all the trauma.  
> This is my first fanfic for Wolf 359 and in general, so I would appreciate it immensely, if you would be so kind as to leave some sort of feedback.  
> Thank you for reading and I hope you will enjoy it!

Jacobi always did have a knack for fucked up coping mechanisms. Lose you best friend? Try to get the man you devoted your life to killed. Lose that man too? Well, what do you do then?  
What was he supposed to do now?  
The first day after their escape had been the worst. He had practically been all alone. Eiffel and Pryce were both a mess, Lovelace and Minkowski were both knocked out, only Hera was there. The moment his job was done, the moment everyone was save and he had aided his own wounds, which weren't few, he allowed himself to have a breakdown. Though even that was controlled. He was always controlled, always functional.  
He went into an empty room as far away from every human being on the ship as he could, sat down in front of the door as if trying to keep his demons locked out and then he just stared into thin air for a moment. “Why” he asked into the room, his voice softer than it had ever been before and Hera perked up, not expecting Jacobi to talk. She didn't mean to pry on him, it seemed to her as if this was a private moment, but she didn't have much of a choice. And if she was being honest, it was interesting to her. Jacobi had seemed professional right up to the moment that he sat down in front of this door, before his legs gave in and he stared ahead, eyes wide and unblinking.  
And suddenly she realised what a sad and pitiful man he really was.

“Please stay. Fight this. Don't do this Colonel” he had practically begged him. Why hadn't he stayed?  
“Thank you, Daniel. And goodbye” Kepler's last words to him were a goodbye, a final one, had he known that those would be his last? That they wouldn't meet again? Jacobi just wanted to know what had happened, how he had gone why he couldn't find him on the Hephaestus. He deserved to know, god damn it.  
He needed to know if maybe Kepler did do the right thing in the end, there was barely any reason to believe it but he wanted to! Jacobi wanted him to have actually been the man he had seen in him all these years. This god like entity, this unfailing man, this unrelenting rock in the mess of a stormy ocean their lives had become.  
You couldn't call it hope, but something very similar to it.

He stood up and nervously paced through the room. He felt so many things in this moment, and nothing at all. He felt as if his heart was being put through a blender, he felt crushing loneliness and the dawning realisation, that he was all alone now, that there was not one person back on earth that gave a damn about him. He was truly irrelevant now.  
Finally all alone. How cruel must the world be to make him the sole survivor? The other two would have still been functional without him. Alana would have been broken up, she would have needed time, but in the end she would have managed to come back around. She would have jumped into work and probably created an AI that reminded her of him. What a nice thought. She would have had a new best robo-friend perfect without all the distractions that came with being human.  
Kepler.. no questions asked, he wouldn't have hesitated before going back to work. He wouldn't have looked twice at his dying body. Maybe Kepler would have been the one to put a bullet in his head.

Either way, Jacobi was sure that both of his team mates would have been able to keep going, that they wouldn't have ended up locking themselves in a room to cry and shout into the vast nothingness of space. They. Would. Have. Functioned. Not like him. He had always been the weakest of the trio.  
When he had first started working for Goddart Futuristics, Cutter had called him into his office once. Back then, Jacobi had been younger and untrained after two years of depression and alcoholism. To put it simple, he had been out of shape and looked weirdly out of place surrounded by soldiers, assassins and the fucking smartest people that ever walked this hell of an earth.  
But he had been happy. Hopeful.  
Cutter had called him into his office once and spent the next thirty minutes explaining how an untrained man like Jacobi might die in this line of field. And then he had stopped in his tracks, cupped Jacobi's face and smiled. Jacobi still felt his stomach turn and his skin prickle at this. The words Cutter had uttered next would never leave him again: “Just look at you, still so much soul in your eyes and heart in your words. I see the way you look at our dear Warren and I ask only one thing from you.” he had leaned in close and almost whispered the next words, “catch every bullet for this man.” The words 'his life is of more worth than yours' were kept unspoken but hang heavy in the room. Jacobi didn't mind thought, he had thought the same.  
Jacobi didn't have to be told twice. Not even once, he'd have caught every bullet meant for this man without hesitation.

But his team was gone now and he wouldn't see either of them again.  
No more movie nights with Alana. No more sharing a bed at missions and helping each other through nightmares. No more laughing and no more cuddling. His best friend was dead and she wouldn't come back for him.  
Never would he see this awful, beautiful man again. He would never be praised for a job well done and he would never receive a soft touch on his shoulder on an especially good day. Jacobi will even miss being threatened and abused after fucking something up. What are you supposed to do when the man you devote your life to is gone? When everyone you care about leaves you behind?  
The frustration dwelling up inside him made him shout at the wall, anything to get it out of his system.  
Hera had watched him silently, hoping he'd calm down without her interfering. She wanted to give him space to grief and deal with his emotions. She guessed she could imagine how he felt, grieving for someone who had used him and betrayed him so ruthlessly. Especially after he had thought he could trust Kepler blindly.  
She really wanted to give him space, but when he started punching the walls, seemingly unresponsive to the pain it must inflict on his body, she couldn't just watch anymore. “Jacobi?” He flinched at the sudden voice, almost having forgotten where he was, who he was with. He looked around and took a deep breath. “Yes, Hera?” He tried his hardest to sound as if he was in control of himself but this might just be his weakest moment yet and she couldn't be fooled for a moment. “You're.. You're bleeding”, she said reluctantly, unsure whether she should interfere or not. She couldn't guess how he would react.  
Beat.  
He was..? Jacobi looked down at his hands and suddenly realised that the wounds on his knuckles were in fact bleeding again. “Oh, I guess I am” he looked at his hand with mild interest, wondered how he hadn't noticed before. He felt reminded of talking to Minkowski after they finally found out about Lovelace, when he had suddenly understood that the emotion he felt digging deep in his guts was fear. His hands had been shaking and all he could say was “look at them go.” He had been so used to being unfeeling that every emotion he had learned to deal with as a kid was now strange to him. He felt like a child that stumbled while trying to run. They start screaming and crying instantly even if there is no wound to be seen, but they are so unused to feeling pain that this is in fact the worst thing they have experienced yet.  
It sure is the most intense emotion he had experienced in years.

He looked away from his hands and up at the ceiling, as if trying to catch Hera's eyes. For the first time in a while he felt absolutely helpless. “No one..” his voice broke and he took a deep breath, cleared his throat and started again. This time his voice was steady, he sounded emotionless and controlled, functional. As it should be.  
“No one needs to know about this, right Hera?” Hera hesitated, even though they have never been close, she owed him. They all did. And after having watched him walk up and down in a tiny room, muttering to himself, crying and punching a wall, she thought she might even understand him a little.  
The thing is, if all she felt towards him anymore had been indifference, then she would agree. No one needed to know. But as it looked now, Jacobi seemed to be in dire need of help. They all probably were. “No one needs to know”, she promised, “but if you should ever need to talk to someone, I already know, so there would be no harm done in talking to me.” He had been Alana's friend and even if they parted on bad terms, Hera knew she was a good person and so she believed that he was too.  
But he just scoffed, having already caught himself again. He straightened his clothes and brushed back his hair. “Thanks Hera, but I have not yet sunken low enough to bawl my eyes out while someone is watching. This was a rare instance of... momentary weakness.”  
And with that he went back to the medical bay and checked on his unconscious crew.

The night he spent remembering how he had felt after the accident, before Kepler had picked him up and nurtured back into being able to live with himself.

Maxwell had confronted him once after she read some of his files. He had looked at her curiously, raised an eyebrow and asked, if she found something interesting. He had assured her that he understood if she was now crushing on him, because “let's be honest I am a hell of a man. Perfection in human form.” She only laughed and told him that he could keep dreaming, she had no interest in him, the whole 'I'd die and kill for my boss'-thing apparently killed the vibe. He nodded understandingly. Maybe that took some of his sex-appeal.  
But then her eyes had darkened and her face had grown serious. “I just.. Please help me understand this” Jacobi still remembered how his stomach had dropped as he realised that this wasn't going to be a light hearted and fun conversation. “This isn't about the duck thing, huh?” he tried to joke, because for once he'd rather be listening to a lecture about how stupid his fear was than having her know about the darkest part of his files.  
“You know that if this was about the duck thing, I'd have brought a duck puppet just for you.  
No, this is.. Let me just read it to you.” She quickly got her phone out and started reading “'Mister Daniel Jacobi seems to be in big emotional distress. As we monitored him, we found him consuming large amounts of alcohol, get into bar fights and stay awake for days on end. This is just about his behavioural issues. Furthermore, he seems to have cut off any contact to his family and friends and isolated himself. We do not recommend him to be hired, despite his tactical and technical expertise and skill set, as he does not seem suited for active service.” Alana paused “Just explain to me how this description fits together with the man standing in front of me” she had taken a deep breath and held eye contact with him, “because I feel like the man these people were observing, was about one bad day away from killing himself. I want to know if I still have to worry about you, or if you actually are as happy as you seem with your life with where you are now.” He had looked at her and swallowed down any hurt pride. He never has wanted her to know how bad he had been once and so he had forced to smile and ignore the bitter taste this conversation left on his tongue. “I am fine now, Alana. I promise.” She had seemed unconvinced. “Don't lie to me. Please. After everything we've been through, I need to be able to rely on you” she had tried in on a professional level, knowing that when push came to shove, he knew how to handle professionalism better than emotion, “and I can only do so if I know that you will have my back. Tell me what happened to turn this sad excuse of a man that you apparently were just five years ago into who you are now. A bitter, sarcastic mess but apparently so much more content with your life” And that had been the moment Jacobi couldn't lie anymore. He owed her an explanation and him everything else. “Kepler” he had answered, voice steady and a sad smile one his face. “Colonel Warren Kepler happened.” That was the first time Alana had realised just how deeply fucked Jacobi was when it came to their boss. It wasn't just attraction on a physical level. For the first time, Maxwell had looked at Jacobi with a pitying expression that would stay there for a while.  
She thought she was inconspicuous about it, but Jacobi saw it every time. Until the end, the look of pity would come back whenever she saw the way Jacobi looked at Kepler, how he craved for every bit of affection this man had to offer.

He woke up after only two hours of sleep and decided it was pointless to try and get more rest.


	2. Clarke Kent of the Bad Guys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovelace tries to force Jacobi to talk about his emotions.  
> This mission failed before it even began. So they just laugh it off.

 

On the second day, Lovelace, Eiffel and Jacobi found themselves together at the observation deck, watching the Hephaestus fly into Wolf 359. As awful as everyone on this ship was, as awful as every experience on there had been and as many people as they have lost, it was quite an incredible sight. The end of an era marked by exploding lights and a burning ship that slowly dissolved into nothing, taking all its sins with it. Maybe it was salvation that awaited them now, maybe a new beginning. Just for a moment, Jacobi allowed himself to breathe. He's not one of the bloody good guys, but.. damn after days like these he could almost believe he was. Almost wish he was.

Maybe it did something for his karma though. He saved a bunch of people, helped getting rid of the bad guys that wanted to destroy all of humanity.. For all it's worth, Jacobi allowed himself to feel like the Clark Kent of the bad guys.

“Mister Jacobi, can I talk to you for a second?” Jacobi turned around to Lovelace, his trademark bored expression being quickly exchanged for a shit eating grin, as if he hadn't been falling apart mere hours ago. If he listened closely, he could hear Hera roll her omnipresent eyes at him and his bullshit. “I don't know, Captain. CAN you?” the moment these words rolled off his tongue, he broke his own heart for the hundredth time that day, having imitated Kepler with almost frightening perfection. Hell, Jacobi had even copied his smooth drawl. Lovelace stopped, just for a moment, because once again, she felt the ghosts of the fallen watching over her shoulder. Mocking her. Just for a moment, did she look at Jacobi with wide eyes, before regaining control of her facial muscles. There was silence for a moment, as Lovelace tried to calculate the situation.

“I am..”, she started, not wanting to dwell on it, “thankful to have you as a part of our crew.” she forced herself to be professional. Be a big girl, Isabel. Be a big girl. “You saved us, you could have left without us, or without Hera, you could have left Minkowski behind in misplaced anger about Maxwell's death. But you didn't.” There was something unspoken but both of them could hear it. 'I know what thirst for revenge feels like. I'm proud of us for having grown.' Jacobi was grateful that she didn't voice the last part.

This conversation was unexpectedly sincere and if Jacobi had been just a little less skilled in hiding emotions and lying through his teeth, he might have been honest and this would have turned into a sweet little bonding moment. However, everyone that had ever spent time with him knew that he felt about emotions the same way others might feel about cats – allergic. Luckily, he was good enough at avoiding emotional conversations and dodging team bonding exercises, that he managed to school his face into a pitying pout and to look at her condescendingly. “Aw Captain, I am touched, truly touched” A ridiculing smirk spread across his face “but we both know I'm not a part of your crew. I am just the only one left from mine and you took me in as a refugee. You guys are a unit, I am the loose cannon you dragged along”, he said the last part in a cheery tone, maybe it would hide how disparagingly he spoke of himself. If anyone should ask, no he was definitely not compensating.

The look on her face, that came as a response, surprised him. It wasn't anger or annoyance, it was pity. There always seemed to be someone pitying him. “Watch out” she said, “don't push those away that appreciate you. Or you'll end up with nothing but bitter loneliness filling your heart as you catch a bullet for the next beautiful man with a silver tongue.” She had no idea just how much Jacobi wished he had.

 

This speech sounded much like the things Alana had said to him so many times. After a mission they had liked to take a drink together, while Alana hadn't much appreciated his alcohol intake, there wasn't much she could have done about it, it was a lost cause. She accepted it, just like Kepler and everyone else that knew about it, as long as he stayed functional, which he always did. They allowed him to keep this bad habit of his, at least until they were assigned to go to space, where it was surprisingly hard to keep an alcohol stash big enough to keep a functional alcoholic going.

They had been sitting at a bar and she had stared at her drink for a moment, before gulping it all down and taking a deep breath. “Following orders is one thing, Daniel”,she had started and searched for his eyes, hoping that he would finally take her words to heart, if she just looked just pressing enough, “but no one expects you to devote your whole life to him.” This had been back in the beginning of their partnership and she had been careful not to hurt him, unsure just how far she could press the matters until he would snap. “You're being dramatic”, Jacobi had answered, even though his body had been covered in bruises, showing just how far he was willing to go for his Boss.

Another time, when they had been closer already, she tried again. They had been sitting in his living room, each with a glass of scotch. They had been imitating the whiskey speech and joking light heartedly. They used to do that often, it led to them growing really good at copying his speaking mannerisms. But after joking for a while, she had noticed him looking off, as if his mind was far away, as he gently touched the rim of his glass.  
By then Alana had viewed Jacobi's happiness as part of her job description. They were friends and if he was willing to fuck himself over like that, she would take matters into her hands. By then she had grown comfortable with breaking his heart every so often. His fault for still having one, however small and deep down it was hidden away. Always a bad idea in this line of work. “Jacobi, you know that he doesn't feel the same way about you, right?” “What are you talking about?” Jacobi had asked, feigning ignorance, pretending not to know what she was hinting at. “I'm talking about the way you feel about Colonel Kepler. He doesn't reciprocate.” Jacobi had looked at her for a moment, the whiskey burning in his mouth and then he had put the glass down. He swallowed and took a deep breath before looking at her demandingly. Jacobi usually let people get away with this. Let them have their fun, pretending they knew so much and then he'd change the subject, as soon as they thought their mission accomplished. But not that day, not after the hell of a mission they had been through and not after half a bottle of scotch. He wanted her to feel as uncomfortable as him. “What way..” he took a deep sip, “do you think I feel about him?” He'd watched her struggle to find a word that didn't sound so.. helpless. Because she knew Jacobi wasn't helpless, it wasn't that he couldn't change something, that he was caught. No, it was so much worse because Jacobi had deliberately decided to get emotionally tangled up. He had allowed himself to feel in a line of work where emotion was a curse word.

“Devoted”, she had finally answered, because if emotion was a bad word, love was unforgivable.

He never did listen, though.

 

Instead of listening and accepting, that the Captain was waving the white flag, his face turned to stone “You actuawwy cawe about wittle old me?” He laughed. “Good one, Captain.”

The Hepheastus was gone, so were Kepler and Alana and Jacobi was left behind and supposed to find out how to live a normal life again and he didn't know how. He had no idea how normal people acted, how they made friends that weren't part of their work family, or how they fell for someone that wasn't the sole reason they weren't miserable messes that only found happiness at the bottom of bottle. He didn't really remember how any of those important aspects of life worked.

So he did the only thing he knew he was good at, because he learned it from the fucking best after all. He lied. “Thank you for caring, but really”, his voice was softer and he wore a sincere smile, “I'm fine.” Then he took a deep breath and decided he needed to re-learn how to be human. “How are you holding up, Captain?”

Lovelace seemed neither convinced nor satisfied with the way Jacobi decided to deal with his problem, but accepted it none the less. Maybe he needed time, god knows she could understand. She didn't know a lot of people that liked to talk about their problems. Barely anyone, who was sincere about emotions. And no one that was willing to explain them on demand.

“I'm doing great.” Yeah, she'd be a fucking Hypocrite if she had kept on pressing. She looked around as if to make sure that no one else was watching them, then sighed. “You know, apart from the whole being an alien walkie-talkie thing and our bosses trying to kill us.” Lovelace laughed and Jacobi admired her for it. She was the funny one, after all.

“You mean you didn't enjoy it?” He looked at her wide eyed. “I gotta admit, being kicked into a bulb has always been a dream of mine” Their eyes met and a smile spread across both of their faces. “Yeah, considering you and Kepler I'm not surprised about your bdsm tendencies, but I thought Riemann wasn't quite your taste, though?” “Eh, you never know until you try it. And Victor's got quite the tricks up his sleeve” Jacobi winked at her and tried not to mind the way his guts twisted as he joked about the guy he has killed.

“They were the bad guys”, Lovelace tried to console after a moment of silence, as if this made anything better. It didn't and they both knew it. But she knew he was just as much in pain as she was and god damn it. Someone had to be the grown up around here and if Minkowski had to be in a coma for now, so be it. She'll take up that part and aggressively force this fricking mess of a man in front of him to admit that he is suffering.  
“And where's the line?” When had he crossed it? Hadn't the crew considered him to be one of the bad guys too, just a few weeks ago?

An uncomfortable silence settled between them and Jacobi allowed himself to actually look at the other. She was worrying her lips, her eyes concentrated on a spot somewhere behind him. Her eyebrows were drawn into a frown, that didn't seem to have left her face in days. She looked as if she had been asking herself the same question too often already.

“I don't know where the line is. But I do know that Eiffel and Minkowski are two of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and if they think we're good, then damn it all to hell. I will believe them and prove to myself that they were right to trust in me”  
Her gaze focusses again and her eyes search his again and while Jacobi would love to continue being lovey-dovey, touchy-feely, he rolled his eyes. “Cute, Captain, but I think I'll just...”, he shrugged, “continue this mess.”

Lovelace wished she could read his face, his mind, understand what was going on inside this stubborn head of his. She didn't believe him for a moment, that he was actually content.

“So what's your plan once we're back?”, it was a challenge and they both knew it. Prove to me you really don't care. Prove to me you haven't changed. “Dump you folks and head back to civilisation” he said it without hesitating even for a second. He wouldn't tell her that he wanted to make Goddard Futuristics suffer, pay for everything they put them through, that he wanted to make sure that no one would be hurt by them ever again, that he wanted to make sure that Alana didn't die for nothing. “Blow some things up”

She scoffed and shook her head. “You're unbelievable. Do you really think we'll let you just leave?” The look that spread across Jacobi's face would be hilarious if it wasn't so incredibly tragic. He looked confused, as if he hadn't expect any of them to actually.. “God”, she said in quiet realisation, “you really thought we'd rather be without you”

Silence spread across the room, suspense building between them as they both calculated their next steps. Jacobi seemed frozen and unsure in a way Lovelace hadn't thought he was even capable of, so she went first. She took a small step forward and reached out for him with one hand, but almost simultaneously, he jumped back as if scared to be touched. He flinched away and now it was Lovelace's turn to try and understand. “Didn't think you could even be quiet for that long”, she finally said and laughed. When doubt always ignore emotions and make a joke. If need be, laugh until the tears start flowing. Get it out of the system one way or another.

“Don't tell me you're not used to it. I bet men are often speechless around you, Captain” he jumped in, grateful that she finally gave up on forcing this upon him. No emotions for him, nope. No thanks. Not today Satan. “It's a gift and a curse to be this breathtaking”, she shrugged, a smug look on her face.

“I feel honoured just to be allowed to be in your presence.”

“As you should be, Mister Jacobi, as you should be.”

They quietly shared this moment, before both started laughing quietly.

“I'm glad you can appreciate all of this” she gesticulated to show of her body, “even though you _like the men folk”_ for that last part she tried to badly imitate Jacobi's voice. “What..”, he had to stifle a laugh half way through, “what was that supposed to be?” He raised and eyebrow and looked at her horrified, “was that supposed to be me? Like... Do I sound like that?” “You sure do”, she not-so-gently slapped Jacobi's back, “my condolences.”

“Anyway, I'll go and look if our local amnesiacs need anything.” “Aye Captain, I'll keep an eye on the fancy mood ring of ours” Jacobi answered and pointed at Wolf 359, which was still way too close for his liking.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Feedback is highly appreciated!


End file.
